Posts Tagged ‘ems humor’

If Bill and Ted were Paramedics

August 20th, 2010 Sean

The last “celebrity medic” featured a popular scientist that had the ability to travel through time. Well this week I want to step it up a notch and feature 2 totally awesome time traveling dudes that I feel would be a perfect fit for a job in EMS. Whether they are running excellent adventures to calls for critical trauma, or bogus journeys to the local nursing homes, Bill and Ted would most definitely lead the EMS industry.

So as always, we must ask the ever important question. What kind of paramedics would Bill and Ted be?

Shifts

As mentioned before, time travel makes shifts a thing of the past.

Vehicle

I’m going to have to stick with the original time-traveling phone booth. This is for the simple reason that it is just to awesome to modify. Multiple patients can be transported in this vehicle, however they would be have to be placed in a standing position.

Scene Safety

Being cleared to scenes would not be necessary for Bill and Ted’s ambulance service. Their safety would be ensured by bringing along “Billy the Kid” and “Genghis Khan”. I can assure you that the team would be left unharmed.

Supervision

Bill and Ted may make good medics, but would require some oversight. And what better person to fill the roll of “Totally Excellent Paramedic Supervisor” than the one and only Rufus? He’s smart, experienced and comes complete with his own phone booth.

Medical Direction

Finding a medical director would not be a problem for team. Dr. Sigmund Freud may be old-school, but he would be a great fit. The “Freud Dude” could also be utilized for critical incident stress debriefing.

Fitness Programs

As we all know, physical health is something that is commonly overlooked in EMS. Bill and Ted would have the benefit of utilizing “Joan of Arch” to start their first aerobics class.

Service Name

Wild Stallions Ambulance Service dude!

Equipment

What would Bill and Ted’s ambulance service be without some totally awesome equipment? Below is a list of some essential tools:

  • Fender American Stratocaster / traction splint.
  • Guitar Tuner – Could double as an Sp02 monitor.
  • Marshall 150watt guitar amp with external port for attaching defibrillator paddles.
  • Hollowed out drum – To be used as a c-collar.
  • Yamaha Keyboard – Can be used to make siren noises or as a backboard.
  • Guitar Cables – Can be used as restraints.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. I hope you all have a great week!

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If Doc Brown was a Paramedic

July 16th, 2010 Sean

This weeks “Celebrity Medic” features someone who used science to develop a time machine and then spent 3 “Back to the Future” movies trying to undo damage to the space-time-continuum that was caused by time travel. While he may have created a monster, he showed the world that he was a true genius. But now that the damage has been repaired, what is this scientist supposed to do? Such a master mind could be put to good use in the science of pre-hospital medicine.

So as usual, we must ask the big question. What kind of Paramedic would Doc Brown be?

Shifts

Being that Dr. Brown has the ability to travel through time, shift work be a thing of the past (time travel joke).

Response

Doc Brown wouldn’t respond to calls in the present time. Instead, he would find sick people and travel back in time before they became ill and warn them to either take care of themselves or seek treatment to prevent whatever caused their health issues. He certainly wouldn’t have any issues finding patients and he would have the luxury of taking all the time he needs.

Vehicle

The Delorean wouldn’t exactly be good for transporting patients, but perhaps it wouldn’t matter if he’s confronting them before they become sick…..

Uniform

I think it’s obvious that he would continue to wear his white hazmat jumpsuit. The only difference would be a star of life instead of the radiation symbol on the back. Also included would be a patch that read “GSEMS” which stands for “Great Scotts Emergency Medical Services”.

Protocols

Protocols? Where he’s going they don’t need protocols……

Radio Reports

Doc Brown wouldn’t need to give radio reports as he could travel forward in time to give the ER staff a decent heads-up that he’s bringing in a patient before returning back in time to the scene of incident.

Partner

This one is no-brainer. The only people qualified to work for Dr. Brown’s time-travel GCEMS service would be 2 individuals that are already experienced in the field. Bill and Ted! (More on that to come)

Equipment

Doc Brown is no stranger to handy gadgets. This is one of the many reasons that I feel he would be a perfect fit for the pre-hospital emergency medical field.

  • Delorean – Modified for use as time machine / first-responder vehicle.
  • Heart Monitor / Defibrillator – Powered by used soda cans and other household trash.
  • Plutonium powered Pulse Oximeter – What else would he power it with?
  • Brain Wave Monitor – Could be used to detect strokes and bleeds.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. Have a great week!

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If Al Gore was a Paramedic

July 10th, 2010 Sean

As science continues to work against the theory of global warming and allegations of inappropriate behavior plague the former Vice President, the possibility of Al Gore seeking alternative employment has never been closer to reality. While adjusting to an EMS salary will prove itself to be difficult, I couldn’t think of a better person for the job.

So now we ask ourselves the question of the week. What kind of paramedic would Al Gore be?

Shifts

Recent news has shown us that Mr. Gore prefers to operate at night. I’m guessing that his service would be based out of a hotel room as well.

Response

Al Gore wouldn’t utilize traditional forms of EMS dispatch. He would require extensive scientific studies performed by people not related to the health care industry before responding to calls for service.

Vehicles

EMTs and paramedics working for Al Gore’s ambulance service would be required to drive hybrid or electric powered vehicles. This would require longer response time standards. Also phrases like “the golden hour” would be abolished as such time frames would be unachievable. It should also be noted that members of management would be exempt from using these vehicles and would be issued large SUVs.

Radio Reports

Rather than call into base hospitals via a core radio, Al Gore would hand off patient information in the form of books and public speeches.

Uniforms

Al Gore would most likely adapt the traditional button-up EMS uniform. This includes an “AIAS” patch, an acronym for “An Inconvenient Ambulance Service”.

Critical Incident Stress Management

Al Gore would address the stress that comes with running critical calls by participating in sessions of late night massages at his hotel-based ambulance station. These sessions are private and confidential.

Equipment

There are many essential tools that make running Mr. Gore’s ambulance service possible. Some of which include:

  • Solar powered cardiac monitor / defibrillator - Comes with an optional hand-crank for night time use. This device is capable of delivering up to 13 joules of energy with every5 hour solar charge.
  • Gauze wraps – Made from 100% used bandages. Not very sanitary but extremely environmentally friendly.
  • Reusable IV catheters.
  • Wind powered laryngoscope – The portable wind generator can be stuck out the window of a moving ambulance to illuminate the light while intubating. Unfortunately due to the low speed of the hybrid ambulance, the light isn’t very bright.

As always, I welcome any comments or suggestions. Have a great week!

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Tale of the mobile translator gone bad

July 1st, 2010 Sean

So there I was, transporting a patient that doesn’t speak any English. Up until now I would have requested the aid of a family member or someone else that could translate Spanish to English for me. Not today. With technology constantly advancing before our eyes there shouldn’t be a need for humans to do the job of machines right?

As you probably know, I wrote a review recently on a mobile app called “Babbledroid”. Well I was able to use this app for the first time in attempt to translate English to Spanish by simply speaking into my phone.

So here’s the story….

After loading my patient into the ambulance and beginning transport, I take a set of vitals and then decide to start an IV. Up until now, I would have just showed the non-English speaking patient the needle to warn him before jabbing the sharp object into his vein. But today technology was on my side as I had my handy Android Phone in my pocket.

I fire up my Babbledroid app and select “Spanish” and start talking away.

Sean – “How are you feeling?”

Robotic Voice Translation – “¿cómo te sientes?”

Patient – (giving me a “What the hell?” look) says something in Spanish that I don’t understand.

Sean’s brain activity –  ”I have no idea what he just said. I guess I should stick to yes or no questions.”

Sean – “Is your breathing getting better?”

Robotic Voice Translation – “su respiración es cada vez mejor?”

Patient – “Sí”

Sean’s Brain Activity – “Sweet! That worked well.”

Sean – “You are going to feel a poke”

Robotic Voice Translation – “usted va a matar a un topo”  (The Spanish translation of “You are going to kill a mole”

Sean’s Brain Activity  - “Crap, I didn’t say that! Stupid translator!”

Patient – Looks at me with a disgusted look for a good 30 seconds before he just starts laughing out loud.

Sean – “I feel stupid now”

Robotic Voice Translation – “Me siento estúpido ahora”

Patient – “Sí”

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If Michael Jackson was a Paramedic

June 26th, 2010 Sean

The anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death left me asking myself a bunch of “what ifs”. What if the king of pop never pursued a music career, but instead took up a job in pre-hospital emergency care? For all we know, he might still be alive today. So of course this left another question roaming around inside my head….

What kind of Paramedic would Michael Jackson be?

Shifts

As we have found out from Michael’s recent tragedy, he really enjoys his sleep. This leads me to believe that he would work day shifts. I’m guessing that he would be well rested for every day he shows up to work.

Response

Michael Jackson wouldn’t necessarily be dispatched to calls. Instead, he would invite his patients to stay with him at Neverland Ranch and care for them there. Besides, we know he has a physician on staff.

Scene Safety

Law Enforcement would not be necessary to ensure Michael Jackson’s safety on scene of a call as he has several defense mechanisms in place. His first line of defense is the ability to change colors and blend in with his surroundings. If that fails, then he would perform dance routines such as the crotch thrust to scare off his attackers. If all else fails, then he could just turn into a panther or moon-walk away.

Pediatrics

If you have worked as a paramedic then you know that running sick kids can be stressful. This is not the case for Michael Jackson as he specializes in pediatrics. Please refer back to “response” on how these patients are cared for.

Equipment

Now what paramedic would be complete without his equipment? Below is a list of the essential tools for Mr. Jackson’s service.

  • White gloves – To be worn on one hand for BSI purposes.
  • Lot’s of heavy sedatives.
  • Fake Nose – Can be removed and used as a handheld blood alcohol detector or a pediatric BVM.
  • Shiny Jacket – Used as a safety feature when working on the highway or to signal helicopters.

As always if you have anything to add, comment below! Have a great week and stay tuned for the next “Celebrity Medic”.

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If Lindsay Lohan was a Paramedic

June 11th, 2010 Sean

This weeks Celebrity Medic features someone who many will think isn’t fit for the job. Some may criticize my writing and say that she’s too irresponsible or flaky to hold down a job in EMS. I say your wrong! With her career circling the drain, she may be forced to find alternative forms of employment, and what better job could she land than being a paramedic? So hang tight and read on to see how I answer the question of the week…..

What kind of paramedic would Lindsay Lohan be?

Shifts

I’m not quite sure what kind of shift that she would prefer to work, I just know that she might have some issues showing up on time. Perhaps making duplicates of her passport would solve this issue.

Protocols

Whatever system Lindsay works in, would have to have loose protocols on controlled substances. I really couldn’t see her being tied down by making base contact to crack open the narc-box.

Vehicle

I would recommend that she drive a Volkswagen Bug(as seen in Herbie), but by the looks of things, I’m thinking that calling a taxi would be more appropriate.

Dispatch

Lindsay wouldn’t carry around the traditional UHF or VHF radio. Instead she prefers to be summoned to calls for service by subpoena’s.

Base Contact

Lindsay wouldn’t utilize the radio or cell phone to make contact. Instead she would hand off patient information in the form of tabloid articles and TMZ commentary. Besides, we know all the nurses would be right on top of that.

Court Appearances

All of us that have been working in EMS have probably been called to appear in court at one time or another. For most people, this can be stressful and sometimes frightening. For Lindsay this would be a walk in the park. Her experience in the legal system far exceeds that of anyone else currently working in the pre-hospital setting.

Equipment

As always, I sit here every week and brainstorm the type of equipment that our Celebrity Medics would carry. You might be surprise at what comes next.

  • A Passport – To make sure she can make her shift on time.
  • Scram Device – This can be rubbed up against other people to detect their blood-alcohol level.
  • Over-sized sunglasses – Used at BSI, and for hiding hangovers.
  • Modified Boots – To fit the scram device.
  • Blackberry – Used to reference medical information and keep in touch with her bail bondsman.

As always, feel free to comment below or e-mail me with suggestions, comments or hate mail.

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Why my daughter should be a paramedic

June 9th, 2010 Sean

After some thinking, I have come to the conclusion that my 3-year-old daughter would make a perfect paramedic. Some of you might question a child’s ability to work in the pre-hospital setting. Most of you think I’m crazy. But I truly believe that you will agree once you are done reading this article. You might even sign your own kids up!

Shifts

Long hour shifts would be perfect for my 3-year-old. She seems to have no problem waking up at all hours of the night with the energy of a cheetah. She would be a perfect fit for working long-hour shifts.

Training

She wouldn’t require any training as she seems to already know everything. She often likes to play doctor and actually does a pretty good job of it. I’m starting to rethink spending all that money on my HMO coverage.

Patients

She would have no problem dealing with patients. She has never met a stranger.

Blood and Guts

I really don’t think that gross things would bother her. She seems to be attracted to every nasty thing on this planet.

Driving

She already has to remind me when the lights green or when it’s my turn to proceed. She has also been known to tell me that I’m driving too slow. I’m sure that she would have no problem telling her partner how to drive.

Sharp Objects

Some people have issues dealing with needles and sharp objects. My daughter seems to be mesmerized by them and manages to get a hold of them, regardless of my efforts. She still somehow has gone all this time without getting so much as a scratch.

So there you have it. Recruiters interested in hiring my daughter should inquire by e-mail.

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If the Ghostbusters where Paramedics

June 5th, 2010 Sean

This weeks “Celebrity Medic” features a group of people that I feel are a perfect fit for a job in EMS. Who could possibly make better paramedics than a bunch of guys that already drive around in an ambulance and work out of an old fire station? From the humorous and sarcastic Dr. Peter Venkman to the intelligent tightwad Dr. Egon Spengler, I feel that the Ghostbusters will be a great addition to our team of Celebrity Medics.

So now for the question of the week. What kind of paramedics would the Ghostbusters be?

Shifts

The Ghostbusters don’t take time off. While they may not be in quarters around the clock, they are on call 24/7 ready to save your life……or capture your ghost.

Vehicle

One of the things that makes the Ghostbusters a perfect group of paramedics, is that they already drive an ambulance. And come on, we all know that you can’t beat a 1959 Miller-meteor combination car. Also known as the “ectomobile” or “Ecto-1″.

Dispatch

The Ghostbusters are dispatched by the traditional page, quick call and radio dispatch system. And who would make this happen better than their long-time dispatcher Janine?

Post Mortem Care

As we all know, not everyone can be saved. For most part, a paramedics job ends with terminating resuscitation efforts. This is not the case for the Ghostbusters. With every dead person comes a ghost. Sometimes the ghost can be friendly like “Slimer”, other times….not so much. Either way, the Ghostbusters are fully equipped to handle any of these situations.

Billing

The traditional method of EMS billing would prove to be inadequate as they also have to bill for their ghost-capturing services. These billing items would include capture, processing and storage. Unfortunately this can get to be really expensive.

Uniforms

The Ghostbusters would still use the standard khaki jumpsuit, however this would include the addition of a paramedic rocker under the ghost patch. Given their dual-role, they don’t exactly fit into the EMS category. Therefore their back patches would read “GMS”, which stands for “Ghost Medicine Specialist”.

Equipment

I think the team would have a very large amount of gear to carry to each call. Therefore it’s probably a good thing that they staff a 4-man crew. The best way to tackle this issue would be to modify their existing equipment to serve as dual-purpose.

  • Proton Pack – This handy ghost-zapping pack can be retrofitted to be used as a non-contact remote defibrillation device. It gives a whole new meaning to “hands-free defibrillation”
  • Ecto Goggles – On a standard ghost call, these are typically used to spot invisible ghosts and track PKE valences. For EMS calls, they can used for BSI precautions or as x-ray vision to find broken bones.
  • Giga Meter – While normally used to monitor psychomagnatheric energy, this handy device can be easily modified for use as a complete body scan. This would monitor ECG readings, Sp02, blood glucose, cardiac enzymes, toxicology (my favorite) and with a small add-on, it can detect the usual B.S.
  • Slime Blower – This high powered device could serve a dual-purpose and be used as a form of medication administration. The new acronym for this route of administration would be “SB” (Slime Blown).

Being that I had so much fun writing this story, I decided to make a t-shirt available to anyone that wants to support the new “GMS” service.

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Disneyland sets the bar high for fire departments

May 21st, 2010 Sean

After my trip to Disneyland today I came to the realization that our local fire service is inadequate. The services and equipment provided by Disneyland fire far surpasses anything I have seen from our city and county departments. Below are some pictures revealing my findings.

So that does it……

For now on I want our firefighters to drive compact, open top, fuel efficient fire engines while carrying pianos, trombones and saxophones.

Get with the times guys!

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If Batman was a Paramedic

March 11th, 2010 Sean

The other day I noticed a paramedic from out of the area with quite a large “utility belt”. Of course I nudged my partner and said “that guy has more gadgets on his belt than Batman”. Now we all know that such a thing isn’t really possible as NOBODY can outdo Batman. This did make me wonder what Batman would carry if he was a career Paramedic? Better yet, what kind of Paramedic would he be?

Night Shifts

“The Dark Knight” doesn’t do days. My guess is he would probably work a 19:00 to 07:00 shift. This would pretty much guarantee night time hours.

Scene Safety

Batman has never heard of the word “staging”. As a matter of fact, he clears the scene to make it safe for the cops to enter. You can be assured that he carries all his personal protective equipment at all times.

Dispatch

I think we all know how Batman would be dispatched to calls. The Bat Signal! This of course would have to be accompanied by some form of on-board computer in his rig. Even Batman needs some way to keep track of times and information for his paperwork.

Vehicle

The Bat-mobile is great for first-responding, but not so great for transporting patients. My guess is that he wouldn’t work on the ground at all. He would probably retrofit the Bat-Copter to serve as an air-ambulance. Of course, Batman’s night vision capabilities would allow him to handle more high-risk flights. Now some of you might ask “how is Batman going to fly and do patient care and the same time?”……Come on guys, He’s Batman!

Partner

Every good Paramedic needs a partner. Of course we all know that Robin is the man for the job. Only, I don’t see Robin as being a Paramedic. I see him as a really good EMT-Basic or Intermediate at best.

Equipment

OK, now comes the good stuff. I am going to list some essential equipment that Batman would use.

  • Bat Sheers – Needed for cutting clothes, leather, car doors and seat belts.
  • Bat Stethoscope – You think your “Cardiology 3″ is good? You can put his to the ground and hear a heartbeat in China!
  • Bat Radio – Consists of a tiny chip placed in his mask. No pesky Motorola’s for Batman!
  • Bat Scope – A laryngoscope made of carbon fiber. It also has unlimited battery life.
  • Bat Light – A penlight with x-ray vision.
  • Bat Monitor – A pair of cool-looking glasses so he can just at the heart right through the chest.
  • Bat Computer – 1,000 times tougher than the Panasonic Toughbook.
  • Bat Phone - Integrated with the Bat-Radio chip in his mask.
  • Bat Board – A backboard that folds into a pocket-size. My guess is that it would be made of some form of steel.

These are only a few examples of what could possibly be in Batman’s inventory. I am now calling on each of you to help me list the essential tools for Batman to carry while he’s on-duty!

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